


Undesireables

by Davechicken



Series: Kylux - Fluff & Angst [157]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 13:19:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9550799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Hux is sure Kylo is out of his league. (Kylo is sure Hux is...)





	

Hux looks into the mirror, his hands gripping the basin. There’s still traces of shaving cream around his clean cheeks, but he’s struck by his reflection again. _Am I really so undesirable_? Really?

He grabs the towel, wiping at the downturned mouth, hiding the sorrow. Muddled, pale eyes like ice-rings around black-holes stare back at himself, and he sees the pale skin, the shock hair. 

Some people find the ‘exotic’ attractive (although he’s not really that exotic in a galaxy full of multi-limbed and skinned creatures, he’s just on the edge of a curve within his species’ margins), but not him, apparently. 

Is he that ugly? Sure, his features are a little on the mustard-keen side. He’s got the pallor of a man who doesn’t see stars, so much as destroy them in retribution to blow up planets. But his features are even, and his eyes are piercing, and his mouth is… maybe a bit on the thick side? His hair is always immaculate, as is his presentation. He’s tall. He’s… thin, but not unhealthily so. He’s…

He’s… thin. Weak. Useless. Unimpressive. His face will never grace a poem, and his expression always shows the pain and seriousness inside. He doesn’t even smile right, and when he tries, it just looks creepy. 

Why would anyone ever think he looked anything but ugly? Or at least unattractive? Why indeed. 

Hux jams his eyes so tightly shut he sees starcharts dance behind the lids, and then he goes about his day.

***

The object of his forlorn and useless longing strides onto the bridge, as shameless as ever. 

Hux doesn’t even know what he looks like. He could be hideous, under the mask. Hux likes to think he is, so his crush can be quashed. 

Ugly. Uglier than him. Probably all scarred and crinkly and dry and gross. He tries to think that to make his longing go away, but it’s not… it’s not easy. 

The man is so damn… something. He’s smart enough to make Hux think twice, to challenge him whenever he’s (very, very, _very_ occasionally) wrong. He’s got a sharp sense of humour (and has made Hux laugh internally more than once), and he’s incredibly… something?

You can’t call it charisma when all you hear is a distorted voice and no facial expression. It’s all in the tilt of his head, or the angle of his shoulders, or the tone of his stride. It’s all nuance, mixed with telegraphing, and Hux - _stars_ \- but Hux wants to see below.

 _Gross. Horrible. Disgusting. Then you don’t want him and it’s okay_.

He thinks it over and over.

***

“You don’t even know,” comes the resigned voice, one day, when they are alone. A meeting gone on too long, and in the end, it was down to just them. Just Kylo and himself, thrashing out details.   


In fact, Hux is surprised by Kylo’s resilience. He’s sent away his senior officers, because their exhaustion has rendered them less than useless. They just can’t keep going, but apparently Kylo _can_.

More surprisingly, he seems to _want to_ help.

“What, precisely, do I not know? If I don’t know I don’t know it, how can I ever know it?”  


“You know.”  


“You just said I _didn’t_ know.”  


Why is Ren suddenly being so obstructive?

“You… think those things about me. You think them very loudly. I… know everyone does, but I thought… forget it.”  


“ _Are you looking into my mind_?” Hux asks, hotly. He’s long suspected (and worried) precisely this.  


“It’s not looking _into_ if you’re loudly shouting how disgusting and ugly I am. Frankly, it’s offensive, and I expected more from you.”  


“What?” Hux can’t even work out how to respond, so the question serves well as a placeholder.   


“Let’s just forget we–”  


“No, we’re not forgetting this, as clearly it’s a problem. I have a problem with you invading my privacy–”  


“Unintentionally.”  


“Even so, you have invaded the sanctity of my mind–”  


“Well, you’re thinking horrible things about me for no reason,” Kylo snaps back. “You ever wonder how damaging it is to hear people call you an ugly monster all day?”  


Ugly, he’s had. Monster, no. “Why do you even care?”

“Would you be hurt if _I_ thought that?”  


“Well you don’t exactly–”  


“ _How do you know what ‘exactly’ I think_?” Kylo’s in full flow, now, rounding on him.  


Hux is suddenly aware of just how dangerous this man can be, and just how much he’s bitten off. They’re both tired, over-worked, and apparently sensitive about others’ opinions. (Or maybe just each other’s?)

“Well tell me, then? Tell me what you think of me?”  


“Why? You despise me.”  


“ _Really_ , Ren? I despise you?”  


“You call me _vile_.”  


He should shut this down right now. Should say ‘yes’, and dismiss him, or walk out, or continue working in some beautifully heavy denial until the man walks off. His whole body is vibrating, and he just…

“I call you vile because I don’t know what you look like, and because it’s easier.”  


“Easier?”  


“Why don’t you let me see your face?” If Kylo is so put out… “You can then settle the matter once and for all, and I can stop my speculation.”  


“You know why not.”  


“The Leader wouldn’t object to _me_ seeing your face,” Hux is almost certain. “So do it. Prove me wrong.”  


The flinch in his hands says Kylo isn’t convinced he will. “Why should I pander to your whims?”

“Because - for some reason - you seem to value a good opinion from me. So… earn it.” He’s calling his bluff, and hard. He’ll either soar, or crash and burn in flames.  


 _Show me what you’ve got_.

“I don’t need to–”  


“ _Ren_. You’ve seen my face since day one. I’m asking for _one_ look.”  


“Why do you care?”  


Why indeed. It will stop his ability to brush him off, or make him really hate him, and thus not help Kylo’s cause of stopping the thoughts. Unless it cans the crush and therefore Hux can just low-level despise him and not have to invest in complicated inner rules. 

“If it matters to you what I think of you, do it. If not, stop criticising me for thoughts you shouldn’t ever see.”   


To his continuing surprise, a moment later, Kylo removes his mask and places it on the table.

Underneath is no lined, withered thing, preternaturally old. It’s an almost baby-faced innocence, around angles a little like his own. A mixture of too-old eyes, pale, almost-glowing skin, soulful eyes and lips that barely reduce when he sucks them in nervously. His hair shyly curves around his face, waving from behind wide ears.

He’s–

“…you… really think that?” Kylo asks, as his irises pop wider.  


“Why the hell are you in my head again?”  


“I’m not. _You_ are in mine.”  


Fuck. “That’s not how the Force works.”

“I am the one who knows how the Force works… do you mean what you think, or are you trying to trip me up?”  


“Do you _really_ not know how beautiful you are?” Hux asks, letting his anger and frustration speak over his common sense.  


From the blush, and wriggle, and scrunch…

“You _don’t_? Ren, for the love of everything shiny in this galaxy: you are… stunning.” Too pretty. Great. Now Hux can go the other way, and know Kylo is out of his league, instead of ugly as sin.  


“Then why… why… do you hate me?”  


“Kylo… hate isn’t based on looks. Not to mention: I do not, in fact, hate you. Sometimes I am very irritated with you, and sometimes I am even _more_ irritated with you, but I don’t hate you.”  


Why is he pep-talking a Knight of Ren who is several weights higher than Hux can theoretically punch? Hmm. 

“I just… wanted you to…”  


What? “Kylo?” Why does Hux no longer understand the world?

“I wanted you to… not hate how I looked, like everyone else always did.”  


“…how could they hate how you look?” Hux asks, confused. “You’re - they don’t hate people who are as handsome as you, they hate people like _me_.”  


“…don’t be so stupid.”  


“Really? Kylo, look in a mirror. You are drop-dead gorgeous.”  


“I’m not. Don’t mock me.”  


“I’m _not_ mocking you. I wanted you to be ugly so I could settle myself and… it would fix things, but…”  


“Why did you want me to be ugly?” Kylo pleads. “Why?”  


“Are you really that dense?”  


“Obviously I am!”  


“Look into my head, then,” Hux demands, refusing to say it aloud.   


There’s a pause, and then the air gets thick, and Hux’s eyeballs crawl. A disembodied hand reaches into his skull, plucking the thoughts. 

 _I wanted you to be ugly so it didn’t hurt when you hated looking at me_.

“…Hux, why do you think I hate looking at you?” Kylo asks, softly. “Is it something I did?”  


“Just… shut up and leave. You have your answer, and I have mine.”  


Kylo wavers, torn. Then there’s a voice - this softer, unedited voice - right inside his head: _I wanted you to like looking at me, too_.

Maker. He’s… is he sincere? Hux closes his eyes, swaying hard. Kylo - for some reason - thinks he’s okay to look at, and wants him to… and Hux wants… and…

 _You don’t think I’m ugly_? Hux thinks.

_Anything but. Do you think I am?_

_How could I?_

Silent agreement, and the bond is broken. Hux feels weirdly bereft. He also understands more, and he’s not sure how to handle this new information. It’s all unsettling and…

“Caf,” Hux blurts out.  


“What?”  


“We… could start with caf.” He’s going way out on a limb, now, and he’s absolutely terrified by the concept.  


“…you… and me?”  


Hux nods. 

“…okay,” Kylo agrees, making Hux’s heart beat again.  


There’s a sound at the door: reinforcements. Kylo hurriedly smacks his helmet back on, robbing Hux of his beautiful face. Their ‘eyes’ meet, and a tiny nod.

Caf. He thinks maybe he just asked Kylo on a date. After an argument.

Sounds about right.


End file.
